


why and what and when and how

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:57:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4300401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a little look inside both Rae and Finn's minds from early on in their association.</p>
            </blockquote>





	why and what and when and how

1.  **Why and what**

When she didn’t know where Finn was, Rae always wanted to find him. But when she found him, she never knew what to do. The longer she knew him, the stronger she felt about him. When their eyes met across the table in the pub, and he seemed to hold her gaze so that she couldn’t look away, even if she wanted to. Or if they happened to be sitting next to each other, she’d imagine the places where their arms or legs touched fusing together, so that they’d always be side by side. But, then, she must remember, she must NEVER FORGET, that she was mad. That wanting him was madder still, but thinking he might want her back was the maddest yet. 

So, she became the queen of denial, practically Cleopatra in her noble ability to explain away every touch, every look, every breath that got caught in his throat. 

_The pub is really crowded, he has to sit this close. It doesn’t mean anything._

_I probably have something on my face, maybe something in my eye? But he’s too polite to point it out. It doesn’t mean anything._

_I bet he has allergies, but is too embarrassed to say. It doesn’t mean anything._

Underneath it all, in invisible words between the lines of her diary, the ones she doesn’t dare write down, she thinks maybe he does. Like her. She can confess her feelings for him, pour out pages about her baser urges, focus on his physical beauty, objectify him. That’s easier than admitting that he makes her feel things beyond teenage lust. That when he holds her gaze, she can see something like the future at the back of his eyes, and that scares her more than being in hospital did. 

As soon as she allows the possibility to enter her head, that it’s possible he likes her, the word **WHY**? flies in, a whole flock of whys written in bold capital letters fly in to fill her head with doubt. 

_Why would he ever like someone like you?_

_Why are you so delusional?_

_Why don’t you just disappear?_

Those whys. She hated them, but couldn’t shake them. They defied all logic and empirical data. 

_He likes talking to me, so what? We’re friends now, of course he likes talking to me._

_He kissed my cheek, so what? He was just being nice, thanking me for the party._

_He wrote on my leg under the table at the pub, so what? So. What?_

That was a major sticking point for her brain. Why would he do that? She never noticed him doing it with anyone else, and she watched him all the time. Out of the corner of her eye, even when she was supposed to be listening to Archie or Chop or Izzy, they never got all of her attention. She kept checking in with Finn, and every so often it seemed she caught him doing the same thing. And she never saw him scribbling messages on anyone else. 

So. What? Did that mean she was special? Special to  _him_? She knew she was different. That had been impressed upon her every day of her life, but special and different were two separate things.

_______________________________________________________________

2.  **When and how**

Of course he sought her out. It became second nature so fast, he didn’t even realize he was doing it. She was like a lode stone, magnetic north, and he naturally drifted to where she was. However, the question that filled Finn’s head was when. WHEN would she notice him? WHEN would she realize how much he liked her? WHEN would he get to touch her next?

For Finn, time seemed to pulse and dilate, crawling by when he wasn’t around her and speeding by when he was, making him feel desperate to get every moment he could around her.

_She must know I’m staring_ , thought Finn, casting his eyes down, eyes flitting over her breasts along the way.  _Get it together, Nelson!_  

He sat up straighter in his chair, because while he couldn’t wait for the day realization would dawn in her, like a warm rosy light filling her up, as she turned to him and he could see, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she understood, that she felt the same … a part of him feared it. What if she realized, and was disgusted by the idea? What if she just thought of him as a mate? What if she liked someone else? 

He tried so HARD to play it cool, but he was constantly tipping his hand, showing her a glimpse of how he felt. And every time her eyes held his gaze for a second longer than last time, or her mouth smirked at his finger tracing words on her leg, or her cheeks flushed as he pulled away from whispering in her ear, he just wanted to lay those cards down on the table and say, “Here! I have a hand full of hearts! And they’re all for you!”

But young love, any love, is a tightrope walk over a chasm filled with platonic love, indifference, and revulsion. If you slip, if you hesitate, you could be lost before you ever reach the other side. And as much as he desired disclosure, to be open and honest and just TELL HER how he felt, he could sense her hesitation and doubt, and he didn’t want to upset the delicate balance of their friendship. If he put himself out there and she didn’t meet him halfway. If she wouldn’t or couldn’t put herself out there … he didn’t know what that would do to him.

And when all was said and done, was he anything more than just a part of the gang to her? He felt that she liked him as well as any of the rest of the gang, but was crap at reading the signs to know if she felt more for him than Chop, or Izzy. Finn craved difference; he wanted to be different to the rest … because different meant special, at least to him. If you could live your life and not be like every other knobhead, you were already ahead of the pack. Top of the heap. World-class. And Rae was the toppest, head of everything. So how could he compete?

How could he deserve her?

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Post-script: I’m not sure what this is. I started it a long time ago and unearthed it and added a bit and still don’t know what it is or if I like it. 

But when I was done, I had [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV9aZJJ1Aac) stuck in my head. So, if you want, check it out.

 


End file.
